Well now, don't I feel foolish! For years, I've been purchasing virus protection software, downloading anti-spyware freeware, and checking for newly released updates when what I should've been doing was interviewing 8" tall bouncers.

I'm keeping my options open, of course, but from what I've read on this USB Desktop Bouncer's resume so far, I think my search is over. On paper, this smartly dressed guy looks perfect. For a measly one-time payment of about $20, he promises to guard your computer indefinitely with an intimidating lack of expression and a built-in motion sensor disguised as a jacket button. As soon as movement is detected, the USB- or battery-powered bouncer will growl out one of six phrases, including the rather hilarious "You're cruisin' for a bruisin'" and the more typical "You're not comin' anywhere near here lookin' like that."

Via Thoughts from the Sidelines.